What is it like to be your child?

The primary message parents hear from professionals after separation is about the need for being child-focused. The family law act is built around the need of parents being focused on their children and their children’s needs in family law disputes. 

In mediation and any separated parenting conference, each parent presents their views according to what they believe is in the best interests of the children. This doesn’t necessarily make it child-focused, however. When two parents have different beliefs about what is best for the children, conflict escalates. Each parent believes they are working in the best interests of the child but if one of their beliefs are rigid and opposing, it becomes impossible to reach an agreement. The more conflict escalates, the less the children’s needs are kept at the heart of decisions. 

A too often unaddressed question, is ‘what is the child’s experience of your separation’?

So what is it like to be your child? 

In the following exercise, I am going to ask you to try and remove your personal feelings toward your coparent, and think about life through your child’s experiences. The purpose of this exercise is to consider what it’s like to be your child living in a separated family. Think about each question carefully and if you like, you can write down your answers in a notepad. 

What do you think your child’s experience is when they sense conflict? 

How do you think they feel about this? What emotions would they be experiencing?

Does their behaviour change? (do they withdraw, act out, isolate, leave the house, listen to music so they can’t hear?)


What is it like to be your child at changeovers?

What do you think they are feeling when they arrive? 

What do you think they are feeling when they have to say goodbye? 


What do you think your child would change about living between homes if they could?

Would they feel comfortable to talk to you about this? 


What does your child like most about their other parent? 

Do they ever talk to you about their time with the other parent? If not, what is the barrier to them talking about this? What has been your response to them in the past?


What do you think it is like for your child when they need to ask for something that requires approval from both of you? 


If you asked your child to draw a picture of how they feel inside, what do you think that picture would look like? 

Supporting your child through separation

If you’ve really considered these questions then it’s likely they have raised some emotions in you. I appreciate this can be difficult. When you have considered your child’s experience does it change how you feel? Is there anything you can think to change that would actively support them having a better experience of your separation? I realise these patterns can be hard to break, however, it is never too late to change your approach or progress communications to be child-focused.

Depending on the age of your child, it may be appropriate to ask them about their experiences. If you do, then it’s important that you are somewhere the child feels secure and they feel that you are receptive to them expressing themselves. You may hear things which make you uncomfortable so a healthy response is to acknowledge their feelings and tell them that you’re going to take time to consider this carefully. 

Sometimes it’s helpful for a child to have another trusted adult for children to speak to. Someone who is neutral to the conflict and who can separate themselves from your perceptions. It may be a teacher or other professional such as a counsellor or family therapist.

What’s important to children, and indeed all of us, is that they feel seen and heard and that they know that their experience of the world matters to their parents. 

Recommendations

Separate your issues with your coparent from your child’s experience of them. They don’t have the same relationship you do and therefore they are not necessarily affected by the same issues you are. 

When making decisions that will affect your child, consider what impact this may have on them. Will this be positive or negative? Are their views able to be considered?

Learn, learn, learn. If you haven’t already, now is a good time to do a parenting after separation course. The purpose of these courses is to help you understand the coparenting relationship and what is in the best interests of children.

Keep the children in the centre of your mind, not at the centre of your conflict. Breaking the cycle of parent-conflict is essential for your child’s positive development. (You may wish to visit our available course by clicking the link.) 

I have long said that as this next generation of children become adults, we will hear more of what their experiences here. This is the authentic voice of just one child who feels prevented from loving a parent.

We know you want the best for your children. Being child-focused can be hard but it’s always best for them.

Need help? You can reach Jasmin Newman via the contact tab or phone Parenting After Separation 1300 919 019

Early Childhood Regressions: Trauma or Conflict?

Milestone regressions and behavioural changes of young children are frequently a major concern of separating parents. There are two, very rigid viewpoints often held by parents when regressions are reported. 

Parent A often reports that the child has regressed to bedwetting; is having unexplained tantrums, or appears to be over-tired etc. They fear that the child is not being adequately cared for and this often results in withholding the child due to those fears. In many cases it results in re-litigation or further delays current proceedings. 

Parent B most frequently claims that the child is happy in their care and that they are well looked after. They have trouble grasping the problem because it’s not occurring under their watch. They will commonly claim that Parent A is making this up to cause trouble for them. 

While all suspicions of child maltreatment should be explored, there is a more likely explanation which is centred around the child’s perception of their dramatically changed world. Psychologists and family therapists state these regressions or changes in behaviour are not necessarily something bad that is being done to the child or fabricated by the other parent. Rather, it is often the presence of conflict between the parents, and the absence of the familiar relationship of the parents when in the child’s presence. 

Even when children have been exposed to parent conflict prior to separation, they become accustomed to it. Their routine has stayed the same, they are fed and cared for in the one home and both their parents are coexisting with them under the one roof. When separation occurs and routines are disrupted, the child can have significant adjustment issues. 

However, this is not a reason to resist shared care. Children, even young ones, can and do adapt fairly quickly. It is the presence of conflict and the refusal or inability of parents to separate their issues from the child’s needs that cause the behaviours that underpin this apparent trauma. 

I asked Family Therapist, Terri Kelly for her views. This is what she said. 

One of the hardest things a parent can do is find the courage to pause and ask themselves ‘what if?’. 

What if the way my child is behaving means something different to how I see it? 

What if my child doesn’t see the parent the same way I do? 

What if my thoughts and beliefs are colouring my views on what my child’s behaviours mean? 

Finding the courage to be vulnerable enough to see a different perspective is a huge ask when you have fears and doubts about the other parent and surety that you are right in how you see things. 

But, what if? 

There is always more than one way of understanding your child’s experiences. When you find the courage to pause and ask yourself the question of what if, you open the door to new possibilities of seeing the world through your child’s eyes.

Terri Kelly

What the child needs is a sense that everything is okay between their parents, even if it’s not. Prior to separation, they are familiar with seeing their parents talking to each other and sharing time together with them. When conflict is high after separation, what they now experience is an abrupt changeover in a strange location where neither parent can be civil, let alone spend time in the company of the other parent.

These children need particular care and for their parents to be attuned to their perception of the world. Being child-focused means being able to consider these matters through the child’s eyes

From the child’s perspective, they are dropped off and picked up in a hostile, often unfamiliar environment. They get a strong sense of their parents’ anger and resentment displayed toward each other. Sadly, even infants get a sense of being caught in the middle. They feel torn in their love, and as a consequence will often say or do things which are out of character. They will feel a need to express an allegiance to one parent, or the other. Sometimes both. 

A child will often say “I don’t want to go back” or “I don’t want to leave you”. In reality, what the child is most likely saying is “I don’t want to feel torn between you”. 

When you find the courage to pause and ask yourself the question of ‘what if’, you open the door to new possibilities of seeing the world through your child’s eyes.

What is optimum for children in these moments is time together with their their parents. At very least, they need to get a strong sense that everything is okay.  

While it seems a far cry for many parents involved in family court proceedings to facilitate time together as a (separated) family, those parents who navigate amicable separations report doing these activities regularly. Studies show that these children do not have the same level of associated trauma as parents who are high in conflict. 

So how do you go from being hostile to being ‘friendly’? Well, that’s up to how much you are willing to help your child adjust. And this means both of you. I say this over and over in consultation with separating parents: “You must find a way to separate your relationship issues from your co-parenting requirements to meet the child’s best interests.

You don’t have to be friends with your co-parent, but if you want to give your child the best chance of adjusting without added trauma, being friendly toward them will significantly help. 

Recommendations 

Some adjustments I suggest parents make (wherever possible)

  • Always speak positively about the other parent 
  • Help the child make a gift from them for their other parent 
  • Send photos to their other parent on behalf of the child and show/tell them you’re doing it. Bonus points if you can read/show their happy response once received. 
  • Give hands-on help to facilitate Facetime calls. Say hello. Be courteous. 
  • Invite the other parent to share part of special days together as a ‘separated’ family. 
  • Share an occasional meal together. 
  • Become okay with the other parent being in your home for short periods. 

Even if you’re faking it, you’re doing it for the child. It is vital that both parents put aside their differences for this to occur. If you can’t achieve that on your own, or you fear your co-parent won’t do their part, you should seek support from a co-parenting coach or parenting coordinator. 

In the vast majority of cases, the child is not being hurt or harmed in the other home. They are not traumatised by the separation itself. What they are responding to is the conflict they witness, or sense between their parents, and the absence of having both of you together in their very small world. 

So ask yourself, What If…..

For more information, contact Jasmin Newman

Nurturing Children through Separation and Divorce

There are many aspects of separation and divorce. While it’s natural that parents need to resolve disputes to their satisfaction, it’s important that the children don’t become lost in that process. 

Parents who are in dispute present to mediators, or their lawyers, with issues that revolve around their needs and what they want to walk away with after their divorce. For children, this means parents are focused on themselves and what they see as ‘fair’ but this does not necessarily mean being ‘child-focused’.

When there is a high level of conflict between parents, the children are aware, even if those arguments are not in front of them. They are very in tune with you and they get a sense of when you’re stressed or are feeling unhappy. Your conflict then becomes their conflict and it’s common to see children have significant changes in behaviour during this time. They may regress on previous milestones (such as bedwetting); have changes in attitude; poor emotional regulation; poor decision making; and a variety of other negative behavioural shifts. 

Parents sometimes get confused about the meaning of child-focused and what’s in the children’s ‘best interests’. The focus becomes muddied on what they (the parents) think about time and division, and not what children are missing, which is having both of you, all the time. 

Here are some tips on taking a more nurturing approach on some of the key issues presented by parents. 

Memories are not defined in time

While some parents argue about time, children do not want to feel as if they are another ‘thing’ to be shared in your divorce. What’s important to them is that they have a meaningful relationship with each of you and that their time with you brings value to their lives. They want to feel loved, supported, heard and cared for, no matter what amount of time that is for. They also want to know that you are happy and okay when they are not with you. 

Moving between homes 

This can be a big hurdle for children to adjust to moving between homes, particularly when conflict is present. Support your children during this transition time by greeting each other politely. Allow the other parent to hug or kiss them goodbye and/or embrace the receiving parent with love and affection. Sometimes they forget their special items, even when you’ve reminded them, so if they need something in order to feel settled, it would be best if you can communicate that freely between the parents and accommodate the child’s needs. 

Inclusive co-parenting

The children don’t like to be apart from either of you. Positively including the other parent into your conversations during the week helps them to know that they are a part of each of you. There are many ways you can ‘include’ them, without needing to spend time together. For example “Would you like to share a pic of this with Mum / Dad?”  Or “Don’t forget Dad / Mum would like to see your certificate”  Or, “Would you like to make a batch of biscuits to take to Mum’s / Dad’s?” 

Speak positively 

Children of all ages love to hear stories of when they were younger. Share incidental stories of times you remember and positively include the other parent, For example, “I remember when you were two and Dad / Mum and I took you to Queensland for a holiday” – then, of course, tell them about the experiences as a positive memory of that time. I am sure if you think about it, there are many ways you can incorporate these stories.

It is not practical to suggest that all separating parents can be friends. However, you can nurture your children in a way that tells them that their needs matter. What children want most is to know they are not caught in the middle of your disputes. Nurture them as you learn to parent together while living apart.


You can find more information and helpful guidance in the Parenting After Separation Course. Or contact Parenting Coordinator, Jasmin Newman via the contact tab.

Considering Child Safety During COVID19

Despite a shaky and uncertain start for many parents on how shared parenting would take place during COVID19, there is now a clear and concise message from the Government and the Family Court. Co-parenting in the vast majority of cases continues as it has always done. This applies to both court orders and those families who have not attended court but whose children routinely move between homes. 

Court orders are considered ‘essential’ thus facilitating travel for parents. This is particularly important for parents traveling between States where they may be required to show parenting orders to police on the border. Isolation requirements will need to be met by each parent, just as they were doing anyway. 

Child safety is considered to be the primary consideration under Australian family law. As we have never before had to navigate safety regarding a global pandemic, this is new and unchartered territory. However it also gives an opportunity to discuss the broader context of child safety. 

Issues of immediate safety are: 

  1. ensuring a child is not subject to family violence from either parent; and 
  2. long term safety in which a child’s mental health and overall wellbeing is demonstrated to be improved by continuing, ongoing relationships with both their parents. 

During COVID19 given that immediate safety has already been addressed, it is the long term impacts that parents must consider. 

The primary concern many parents have had regarding a child traveling between homes has been a distrust in the other parent to comply with social isolation requirements, including those who may be quarantined after crossing State borders. 

Given the now high priority police and military are placing on monitoring social isolation, noncompliance by any person is becoming a risk in and of itself. The vast majority of people are doing the right thing and abiding by requirements. Those who are not are being issued warnings or infringement notices. This makes the likelihood of noncompliance almost zero, thus removing any level of real risk. 

The Chief Justice of the Family Court, Will Alstergren, issued a media statement clarifying issues around orders.  In an article published by The Australian, Alstergren further implored parents to act sensibly and reasonably.   “Each parent should always consider the safety and best interests of the child, but also appreciate the concerns of the other parent … This includes understanding that family members are important to children and the risk of infection to vulnerable members of the child’s family and household should also be considered.” he said. 

These most certainly are difficult and conflicting times for all Australians and it’s normal that we have elevated fears and concerns during this time. For all of us, being restrained from normal travel and daily interactions with our family and friends is emotionally debilitating. 

For parents who can take a wider perspective in this time,  they will see that children of separated families have an opportunity to move between homes, thus giving them that vital contact they are craving, and which sustains them at a deeper level. These children will have some variety that the rest of us do not. A change of home, minor change in routine, different meals being cooked for them and, most importantly, the company of their other parents and perhaps step families. 

In normal times we take these small things for granted. During the pandemic we are now living, these are big issues that will go a long way towards helping children cope. Their likelihood of suffering long term mental health issues will be reduced and their recovery time improved by having at least some variety. 

In weighing up safety we must consider the long term impacts on a child’s wellbeing. This is demonstrably improved by a meaningful relationship with both their parents. I implore all parents to see this as an opportunity to help their children during this difficult time. Shared care is best for children, even more during this COVID crisis.

The Leaver and The Left

There is a concept in separation and divorce in which there is often a disparity between where each party are emotionally in relation to the separation.

While some couples come to the decision together, in many cases one party has already made the decision to leave long before they’ve told the other. They are referred to as ‘the leaver’. This can cause a great deal of frustration for the person who is being left.

As you will see from the inserted graphic, the leaver is ahead at every stage. By the time they are making new plans and coming to terms with their life ahead, the left is only just finding out. This in itself can cause a great deal of conflict.

What happens then is the grief cycle for the left, which the leaver has already had time to come to terms with, is only just beginning. For the leaver, there are heightened emotions, often denial and sometimes still trying to save the relationship. This is discussed in full in the parenting after separation course.

The message I encourage separating parents to understand is to have an understanding that you are each on the same path but at different stages. You will ultimately both come to a place of acceptance, however, if you can respect that each of you is at different stages, this will go smoother.

Consider the graphic and where you are now.

Were you the leaver or the left?

Where is your co-parent at on this scale?

What do you think life looks for them now?

What do you think they experienced at various stages?

This is just some food for thought. You may not come up with all the answers you need right away. Processing relationship grief and loss is an individual journey and can take time. You will come through this in the end.

Co-parenting and the COVID19 Crisis

During times of crisis, we tend to react from a base of fear. However, we all react or respond to fear in slightly different ways. And that’s okay.

The important thing in co-parenting during this time is that you recognise there is more than one way to get through this. It’s also likely that you may have different approaches as to what’s best.

The biggest concern of co-parenting through this current coronavirus crisis is if the children can move between homes safely during any future quarantines. And if not, what will happen to existing court orders or parenting agreements. I know some parents are concerned about breaches or being accused of withholding children.

In short, you should follow the government advice or specific advice of your health care professional. If you or your children are diagnosed or being tested for coronavirus, then the government health advice is that you will be required to stay in isolation.  This may affect your normal co-parenting routine. 

It’s better to be prepared and have this conversation in advance.

Work out what you will do, how you will both manage and you what you will do if the children are disadvantaged in time with the other parent. 

It’s best if you can be flexible, considerate and accomodating. Most of all, be child-focused. 

If being in quarantine is a contravention of existing orders then I recommend the following. 

  1. If you normally communicate directly, email or phone your co-parent and advise them of the current situation. Talk rationally, calmly and sensitively about the situation at hand. Be considerate that this may disrupt their routine and may require a short adjustment period for them to consider. It can be a good idea to flag a conversation with an initial message that says “we might have some disruptions due to the coronavirus. I was wondering if we could talk this through?. Can I call at (time)?”
  2. If you have, or feel you need a lawyer, contact them and ask them to communicate with your co-parents lawyer about the current health status and any anticipated changes in parenting time. 

If you are the parent who is not with your children and the children can not be safely returned to you for your scheduled time, remain calm. These are exceptional circumstances and eventually, life will be returned to normal. 

These are my recommendations

  1. Communicate calmly, openly and with a child-focused approach. 
  2. If quarantined, facilitate FaceTime calls for the children with their other parent.  
  3. Act on specific medical or government advice only.  Do not listen to advice from well-meaning friends or social media. 
  4. Keep each other openly and honestly informed in relation to the health status of yourselves and people the children may have come into contact with. 
  5. Some people who have compromised immunity disorders may be on specific advice to remain in social isolation at this time. This may be extended family such as grandparents.
  6. If you or the children are NOT diagnosed or being tested for coronavirus, then shared parenting should continue as normal. 

Please remember, we are ALL going through something unusual. Keep calm and keep communication open, honest and sensitive to the fact that we are all dealing with something a little unknown. However, there is no reason to panic. Calm communication is your best tool.

See our parenting after separation course for more tips on improved communication.

The Struggle of Parallel Parenting

The struggle of parallel parenting is real! Parallel parenting is the term given to a style of parenting that is adopted by some parents, most frequently when there is a high level of conflict and a low level of communication. What it means in practical terms is that each of you will parent differently.

VERY differently.

When we talk about this struggle it does not necessarily apply to all. For many families, this is the best approach for the least amount of conflict and it can work extremely well. However, for some, it presents frequent challenges.

There may be one set of rules in your house, and another in the other parents home. While it would be conveniently easy to say what goes on there is none of your business, it’s also quite difficult to accept this when you feel the children aren’t being cared for as you’d wish.

There is a saying that’s appropriate here and it always comes to mind for me when helping parents through these frustrations.

Your level of happiness is determined by the difference between your expectations and reality

Having an expectation that things are going to change can be fraught with disappointment. I’m not suggesting you lower your standards or those you wish for your children, but sometimes it’s beneficial to take stock of what’s within your power and what’s not. Then work out what, or how, you might be able to influence a different outcome, and let go of everything else.

The most common issues arising for those who parallel parent are:

  • Child bedtimes or other routines.
  • Activities, or lack of
  • Attention to homework or after school activities.
  • Decisions affecting the children made without consultation.

Parallel parenting can be a challenge for one, if not both of you. When conflict is high there is a tendency for at least one parent to be quite opposed to any suggestion or routine which is adopted in the other home.

But all is not lost. There are some simple steps you can apply that will help make this path smoother.

Minimise the opportunities for conflict

This may be through minimising time spent in each others company, especially at handovers or when the children are present. It does not have to mean eliminating it altogether unless you feel that is absolutely necessary. It is helpful for the children to see you together at times, and being courteous to each other in the presence – if that is at all possible. If it’s not possible, keep contact minimal and courteous.

Communication Skills

Communication Book

A common tool is for the parents to use a handover book to communicate important things about the children. This may be about changes in pick up, school uniforms, planned holidays or other occasions.

Try a communication app

There are many parent communication apps on the market today. In some cases, you can employ the services for a third-party mediator to monitor your communication or to call upon if you need help.

Our Family Wizard and Parenting Apart two common applications you might wish to try. Otherwise, try google for parenting apps.

Choosing your battles

This is quite a big subject however with every conflict if you consider a few key questions it can help to prioritise where this sits in the hierarchy of matters to focus on.

  1. What will the children lose or benefit from in relation to resolving this conflict?
  2. How important is it to resolve this right now?
  3. Are my assumptions or thoughts about this outcome (the outcome you want) legitimate?
  4. What will be the follow-on impact of pursuing this?
  5. How successful is my approach likely to be?
  6. Is there another way to approach this?
  7. Is this something I can let slide?

Parallel parenting can be hard, however, it is manageable if you both can remain child-focused. Think of it as solving a puzzle. How can I piece this together so it makes more sense and is less frustrating?

5 Good Reasons To Be Quiet In Conflict

Being quiet in conflict is a challenge but if you master this art in the communication you may learn a very valuable tool.

Getting involved in an argument is rarely beneficial. However, sometimes there are matters which need to be discussed in which emotions become elevated. The natural position for most people is to push back against those they are opposed to. I certainly get the sentiment, however here’s an alternative that you might like to employ.

The following is an adaptation from a blog I wrote several years ago. It still rings true today.

#1  — You can’t listen while you’re talking

Listening is so much more than hearing words. It’s an observation of intent, mannerisms, inflection and emotion that are all being bought into the conversation. Learning through observation is a far better tool that having to prove your point of view.

#2 — You may not be right

Unimaginable, I know but both of you can’t be right. Perhaps you can leave room for the fact that maybe it’s not you this time.  And if you are right, then it will prove itself in time so be patient. A point about avoiding conflict that I would like to make here is that even if you are right, so what? Apart from ego, does it really help you to prove you are right? 

#3 — You can learn a lot from listening

Giving someone space to speak can be really powerful for both of you to avoid conflict.  You can both learn from this experience and I often find that people can resolve their own issues, just by being heard. And there is a gift here for you if you watch for it, but you may get a sense of what it is that is frustrating them if you give them space.  It’s better to understand than need to be understood.

#4 — You will create space for compassion

This one is a favorite of mine.  If you can be silent enough to hear someone else’s story and to view the world through their eyes you will start to see that their path and their experiences were different to yours. You don’t have to agree with their version but compassion opens the door to understanding.

#5 — It gives you time to think instead of reacting

Really, if you can start to handle this one your communication problems will be a thing of the past, and all because you were quiet for a while.  Often we will retort with a comment that we might later regret or realise not to be based on anything other than our own hurt. So we project our own pain instead of hearing someone else’s.  If we allow time to absorb what the other has said and then come up with a rational response it will make things way smoother for both of you.

The art of being quiet in conflict is communication skills, but it’s rooted in a willingness to resolve the issue in front of you. Always keep the children in focus. Their love for you both is greater than any argument.

Need help? Try our Parenting After Separation courses here 

The Changing Legal Landscape of Co-Parenting

The legal landscape to facilitate co-parenting is changing. The following article regarding the co-parenting arrangements in the Ralton case first appeared on Gown and Gavel

 

The recent case of Ralton and Ralton heralds a timely warning that the Family Court judiciary is taking notice of the intricacies of co-parenting in Family Law matters, particularly where the psychological impacts on the children are a result of one parent withholding the children against court orders.

In Ralton and Ralton the original parenting orders were that the children live with the mother and spend time with the father. This was agreeable to all parties and continued for a three-year period. However, by August 2014 all contact with the father had ceased and he filed for contravention of the orders.

In 2016 Judge Riethmuller who, after considering all the evidence over a 5-day hearing, determined that the best interests of the children to have a relationship with both parents could only be facilitated if the parenting was reversed. The children were ordered to live with the father and spent time with the mother.

The mother appealed the decision to the Full Court of the Family Court in 2017, however the original decision was upheld and the children remain in the primary care of the father.

The decision in Ralton was so extreme in its nature, that Judge Reithmuller had the children sequestered in a private room within the court building –  supported by psychologists and social workers – as the decision was handed down.

The details of this case were such that even though the mother was seen as capable in meeting the day to day needs of the children, her actions in making the children fearful and anxious of the father created a damaging psychological impact. The grief and loss associated with removing the children from the mother’s primary care was considered far less than the long-term psychological effects of the alienation from their father.

The orders made were so that in order to help the children bond adequately with the father, the mother have no contact for six months and then be re-introduced to her via supervised visitation.

So, what does this tell us about parenting after separation?

Recognising the importance of a healthy relationship between children and their parents, the Family Law Amendment Act, 2006 was enacted by the Howard government to facilitate shared parenting. The legislation is in itself sound, however if one or both parents refuse to put the best interests of the child first, it is frequently tested.

While as a society we have previously believed that a mother is the more natural choice for primary carer, it is no longer guaranteed that sole parental responsibility will be granted to the mother on that basis alone. Fathers have demonstrated that they are, of course, capable of the job and willing to take it on, so much so that the Courts are willing to make that transition.

Co-parenting after separation is essential in maintaining a healthy family dynamic for the children and going forward, parents need to be able to do this well. It all sounds good in theory, of course. But how can you ensure that you are giving it your best shot? Here are my top 4 tips to make the art of co-parenting a success in your life.

Communicate directly with one-another

The less challenging matters that come across my desk have one thing in common and that is – that the parents talk to each other – and on a regular basis. Pick a mode of communication that works for the both of you, and stick to it. And no – that doesn’t mean using the children to relay messages! Schedule a weekly phone call and make it a routine. Even parents that have the most trouble communicating with each other find that they are able to keep it respectful for ten minutes whilst they discuss their children. If the idea of using the telephone gives you the shivers, then I recommend using email or an instant messenger service. Using the children to relay messages almost guarantees a heightened conflict situation, one in which the children will witness. Have you ever received a message through the children and then muttered some unpleasant response under your breath only to realise that your child is still standing there? Not only that, but children will often relay the message incorrectly.

Keep changeovers as short as possible

Try and keep changeovers short and sweet. Give the children a smile so that they won’t feel guilty about going with the other parent.

Be flexible with parenting arrangements

Try not to argue about parenting arrangements in front of the children. If the other parent wants to take the children to a one-off special event that you know they will enjoy, like a show or a footy game which happens to fall on one of your days, let the children go. Sure – try not to stretch the friendship in this regard and always give plenty of notice. The children will thank you for putting their enjoyment ahead of your own.

Encourage the children to communicate with the other parent

Facilitating communication with the other parent whilst the children are in your care is a must. Make sure you share special moments or accomplishments with the other parent, even if it is just via photos or emails and make a point of telling the children that you are doing so. Remind the children of special occasions, like the other parent’s birthday and help them make or choose a special gift. Being present when the children give the gift to the other parent is also a special touch. Having the children feel that they can express their love to the other parent freely and openly without fear of being admonished is essential to a healthy and positive co-parenting arrangement.