5 Good Reasons To Be Quiet In Conflict

Being quiet in conflict is a challenge but if you master this art in communication you may learn a very valuable tool

Getting involved in an argument is rarely beneficial. However, sometimes there are matters which need to be discussed in which emotions become elevated. The natural position for most people is to push back against those they are opposed to. I certainly get the sentiment, however here's an alternative that you might like to employ.

The following is an adaptation from a blog I wrote several years ago. It still rings true today.

#1  — You can’t listen while you’re talking

Listening is so much more than hearing words. It’s an observation of intent, mannerisms, inflection and emotion that are all being bought into the conversation. Learning through observation is a far better tool that having to prove your point of view.

#2 — You may not be right

Unimaginable, I know but both of you can’t be right. Perhaps you can leave room for the fact that maybe it’s not you this time.  And if you are right, then it will prove itself in time so be patient. A point about avoiding conflict that I would like to make here is that even if you are right, so what? Apart from ego, does it really help you to prove you are right? 

#3 — You can learn a lot from listening

Giving someone space to speak can be really powerful for both of you to avoid conflict.  You can both learn from this experience and I often find that people can resolve their own issues, just by being heard. And there is a gift here for you if you watch for it, but you may get a sense of what it is that is frustrating them if you give them space.  It’s better to understand than need to be understood.

#4 — You will create space for compassion

This one is a favorite of mine.  If you can be silent enough to hear someone else’s story and to view the world through their eyes you will start to see that their path and their experiences were different to yours. You don’t have to agree with their version but compassion opens the door to understanding.

#5 — It gives you time to think instead of react

Really, if you can start to handle this one your communication problems will be a thing of the past, and all because you were quiet for a while.  Often we will retort with a comment that we might later regret or realise not to be based on anything other than our own hurt. So we project our own pain instead of hearing someone else’s.  If we allow time to absorb what the other has said and then come up with a rational response it will make things way smoother for both of you.

The art of being quiet in conflict is communication skills, but it's rooted in a willingness to resolve the issue in front of you. Always keep the children in focus. Their love for you both is greater than any argument.

Need help? Try our Parenting After Separation courses here 

 

Jewell’s Story

The following story on parental separation was written by a woman who wanted to tell her story of separation from her father.

Over the years I've become conditioned to the depth of some of these stories, however I never wish to be so used to them that they become ‘normal'.

 

I was separated fro my father for many years as a child. I endured years of listening to my mother bad mouth my father. Some of this was warranted, but so much of it wasn't.  She was determined that I would not love my father because of the physical abuse she suffered from him.

My father continually wrote letters to me. I opened each one.  Some I answered but there were more times that I didn't answer. Not deliberately, but just because I was a kid and didn't think about it. I guess I was too busy being a kid.

What I do remember and what always stayed with me was Dad writing “I love you” and “I'm sorry” so often that it became embedded in my heart.

Regardless of how many times we saw each other throughout the years, I know without any shadow of a doubt that I was loved by my Dad. I later discovered he kept all the letters I sent him over the years.

Despite not having spoken to him for the 5 years previous, I was blessed to spend the last 3 months of his life with him. He passed away in July 2016 of a brain tumour.

We held hands, laughed and told each other how much we loved each other.

I miss my Dad.

I share this story because I want to encourage other parents to never give up on your children, even if at times it seems they've given up on you.

I don't know how my father did it for all those years. I don't know how he continually pressed on through the letters and birthday cards and never got a response from me. He loved me regardless of anything else. I know that my Dad loved me.

Thank to all those parents who are fighting the fight to stay in your children's lives. Keep fighting. I saw the truth through the love of my Dad.

Mum and Dad could never have stayed together. Their relationship was too volatile and Mums negative words about Dad to me only pushed Dad and I closer together throughout the years. So don't worry about what the other parent tells your children about you. Just be that constant source of love in their lives.

If you've been alienated from your children, my advice would be to write them a letter every week. Write to them and give it to them when they are older.

~Jewell Drury.