Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviours(1:31)

Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviours.

Throughout your separation you have many conflicting thoughts, feelings and behaviours which have at times most likely felt quite foreign.

This module is dedicated to giving you the best possible parenting after separation relationship that you can have, in order to co-parent effectively.

As you’ve now explored, ending your marital or de-facto relationship is not the end of your parenting relationship. Your children love and need both of you to help guide them on their journey through life.

As a newly single person you now have many opportunities ahead of you. You are independent and have the agency required to make many decisions for yourself.

This can be very daunting for those recently separated however it’s also an exciting time when embraced.

Colluders

There are two types of people who turn up in your life at times of crisis.

The first will collude with your negative thoughts and invest into your story of woe and be a constant reminder of how bad your former partner was / is or how unfair your current situation is.

They do this because their situation was negative and, perhaps unintentionally, they want more people to be like them so they can normalise their experiences.

While at times we all want to vent frustrations and have someone to listen to us, it pays to be mindful of the negative feedback loop.

Collaborators

The second will be a collaborator of growth. These are the people who will help you move on. They are generous with resources or time in order to help you re-establish yourself. They are continually encouraging you down a path for moving on to a better life.

In coparenting, even if your situation is currently difficult, choose the people you know who have navigated this successfully as those to talk to.

To help you on this journey of independence the following exercises have been prepared to help you navigate the months and years ahead.

As you go through the following lessons you will gain an understanding of how our thoughts, feelings and behaviours can be changed. 

But first I would like to explain some of the patterns our brain follows, which dictates our way of reacting and responding to certain situations.

Understanding this will give you awareness and over time will help you choose less conflict and practice more self compassion.

The Brain in Crisis 

In times of crisis our reactions are most often dictated by the Amygdala which is in the limbic system of the brain. You may be familiar with the terms flight, fight and freeze which I refer to as ‘the threat matrix’.

While we no longer have to fear a sabre tooth tiger eating us for breakfast our brains do have primal instincts. Because of this we make regular assessments on our level of safety and what we need to feel comfortable.

‘Modern’ safety can include financial security, job security, enough food to eat, and of course our physical safety and mental wellbeing.

The threat matrix gives us a predisposition to either run from conflict, stand and fight in conflict, or to shut down from and internalise that conflict. Flight. Fight and Freeze. 

Any or all of these can be useful in genuinely threatening times.

Our ability to rationalise thought comes from an area of the brain called the Prefrontal Cortex which forms part of the Frontal Lobe. This part of the brain is where we can think rationally, make balanced judgments and respond accordingly.

Ideally, this is where all our good decisions come from.

When we are free from fears, (perceived threats) and we can make clear decisions about our future. We feel more balanced emotions and generally feel quite optimistic. From here we have the ability to create predictable outcomes.

In times of conflict however, you are reacting from the Amygdala and we process events differently and not always the way we would like. 

How does this help?

If you reflect on times in your past you and have heard yourself say “why didn’t I say this – or that?” or “why did I have to snap?” then you can relate to reacting from fears (threats) v. the times when you respond from a more rational place.

The answer in solving this riddle of the brain so that it works for you and not against you. Creating predictability is best done through the following three steps.

1. Taking time to respond
2. Exploring the foundation of our fears 
3. Clarifying and creating predictable outcomes.

The following exercises will help you address some of the fears, doubts and insecurities you have.

You will put them under a microscope and address what’s really a real fear and what, if given time to process, could have been responded to more beneficially.

Optimally we want to make decisions not from a place of fear, but from one where we feel safe and secure.

BEFORE YOU PROCEED

This is a fully coaching based module and the follow lessons are designed for you to collect your own thoughts and reflect on those. It will take more time to process these and I encourage you take your time through this module and really consider the questions being asked. There is a different quiz format for these questions which allows longer answers.